Will our memories forsake me , like you did?
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Recently , i realised that having many friends does'nt equates to not being lonely. Most of my girl friends have boy friends and week ends usually means quality time with loved ones . Most of my friends are either busy working or studying which leaves me searching for programs during weekends. I understand and know that week ends are precious for many out there , i just find them abundant and a striking sign that says :HEY, you are single and friend-less..
I dont mind going out with my friends and their boyfriends , but after doing that for several weeks ..(with different couples of course ) , i feel kinda weird. Hence last week whenwe had an overnight party at helaine's house with all my classmates...it was a superb night.
Luckily the past few weeks , i have been out to movies and supper+ dinner with one of my guy friend and that kinda kept me busy cum happy. *sighz...however i found out that these outing will soon come to an end as we kinda had a "conflict of interest" .
In my current vunerable state , i guess many would fathom easily that romance aint the top of my list now . It is far far away from my mind , unless its about my past memories and S.C.
I dont understand how anyone will think that i will be able to let anyone esle into my life in such a short period of time. Is it even possible?? Time is needed to Heal...and Time is needed to help forget a person and erase certain memories...
I know i have Love and Lost.
I hope to Love and sustain.
Will i ever be able to do that?
Will You pls cherish what you have?
Will one ever holds on to your beliefs and faith and your precious Loved One?
Will i be forever be running on the same track..not moving , not knowing whats to love and to hold?
Will i move on ?
Do i want to? And leave you and our memories behind?
We were once strangers that came together with fate and later with faith..
We fallen back and became strangers once again...
Faith and you left me.
Will memories forsake me too
MArtin Luther ->You are not fit to LIVE if you hafnt found something to Die for yet .
Friday, March 10, 2006
Many a days i lie on my bed , in bus , mrt ..thinking back on the past 6 months . They were wonderful , as if filled with flowers in a room but towards the end it was more like a black room filled with nothing but emptiness.
Love is something i used to never associate myself with , me being Sue bridehead version is more of a pragmatic than a romantic at heart . Some way or another i sometimes identify myself with Jude , the more sentimental side about life . Im unrealistic at times...but pragmatic at others, an ironic combination . Everyone , i guess is somewhat like that at one point or another , we are unsure of who we are , who we really want to be and how to love exactly .
I spent 21 years of my life away , happiness and sadness registered but i selom spent much emotions on anything or anyone other than my family . Im not one to be emotionally attached or so i tend to see myself that way . Somehow that concept slowly slip away unnoticed last year and i let myself in for a relationship i never fully prepared myself for.
All along i thought i like him..seriously like and maybe alittle more than anyone i met so far . Strong deep emotions linked with love isnt what i envisioned but i let myself in for something more that i had bargained for .
Everyweek , i looked forward to meeting him , seeing his smile and him teasing me when im tired. I love to hug him from behind, infornt and kiss him when he is watching the television , to protest that i should BE more interesting then that piece of Metal and glass..I want attention cos one week , i only get them for 2 days.
I love to watch Dvds throughout the night , both of us slumping on the sofa and in our total comfort zone. I knew then that i found a place where i truely belong , never have i been in such a cosy place , with the one whom u loved so much . I feel so blissful then .
I was always so scared that somehow , someone would come and take this happiness away from me cos i have never been in this kind of relationship. Is it going to stay with me forever ?? But i realised as time passes by , the more you are afraid of something losing , the more it slowly slips away from you . I have no choice , i have no idea how to mentally hold on to something tightly but in fact losing grip on it . Im not at that high a level yet and i do not aspire to be that either cos that means you must have been hurt badly couple of times real hard to know that feelings .
When things were losing control , i was holding more tighly than ever at my precious treasure ..i finally lost it to its previous owner .Whether they were together onot , i aint sure but their r/s sure is ambiguous.
Crying starts and sobbing sets in..a routine i never wanna be entangled in again. I feel so helpless at that point of time , wishing for things to end. Tests , projects , i screwed up all and it did not even matter to me . I was sinking to a depth i never realised i had capacity for , and im struggling to come straight up to get some air..
I felt like never before -in a bad way . Friends at this point were all frantically trying to salvage what i have left in me , to reconstruct me back to form again. I was like a pool of liquid with no form, structure ..i wanna evaporate into nothing.
Then i fathom that r/s do in fact hurt people when things dont work out hence one does not play around with someone true feelings . A lesson i gained , through some hard work and pure torture..that i promise i will treat r/s with abit more respect that i garner since then
I yearn now to be a better person and love my dear good freinds who had been so patient with me all these time. Jia shan and Jasmine who been there for me whenever they can or CANNOT , they have done so much that i can never measured up to . Gq and chengjia who are my guy buddies...thanks for being a comfort when im down and out . Pearl who comes out with me whenever she could and even dragged her poor bf along when they had plans..i love her , love them all...friends i can never do without .
Thank You..I promise to love you all and be as nice To all YOUR BFs and in some case GFs as much i can.